Freedom from Asian High School

Today is my day off. I am watching Star Wars Episode III; Anakin has just pledged himself to the dark side to save Padme. Love is a tricky thing...

It is one of my favorite ironies of any story. By trying to hold onto something and not letting it run its full course, he actually loses it and more in the process. He gets stuck in a suit for the rest of his life, for goodness sakes. And it makes his head look funny.

I guess I've been thinking a lot about holding on and letting go because I've recently just quit working for the Asian High School. For two months, I have dealt with loud, obnoxious teenagers who could care less about listening to anyone other than themselves. In a way, it's difficult to be too hard on them; most of them already go to language schools, and they still can't understand about 60% of what I say. And what happens when you don't know what's going on or you get tired of trying to focus? You go on to other things. Of course, in my students' cases, they went on to drowning me out with their own voices. Not the most conducive to learning…

I was hoping that if they saw me try, they would pay more attention, or at least show a bit more respect. And in some ways, some of them did. In fact, the students that ended up listening and trying brightened my day more than when an entire class would remain absolutely quiet (which is not a good thing, either, because it means they are not practicing their speaking). And there are about 10 students that I am really gonna miss.

But for the most part, that small bright light got clouded over with the rest of them, and I ended my sessions unhappy. I couldn't teach anything, though not for lack of trying, and I was not doing what I wanted to do. The kids did not learn anything I had been going over all month and even more dismaying was that they could have given a rat’s ass. I felt helpless and ignored, and well, you know that’s never a good color on me. It also affected the way I treated others. I suspected everyone of not seeing me as a person, but an other. I got pissed off at very asinine things and I also found myself not wanting to go out or deal with any more crap.

Only by teaching at other schools was I able to see that it wasn’t my ability to control these students, but their unwillingness to learn anything, that was holding the class back. When I taught the kiddies, they were just so excited about everything that it made me only want to take it farther. My creativity for creating new games was pouring out of me in a way that could break the Hoover dam. I actually feel a little sad when class is over - the hugs and the smiles, they are like crack. And teaching adults is just one big humbling session; you can immediately tell what works, what doesn’t, and they end up teaching you a whole lot more than you teach them.

So, I let go of thinking that I could change this school, or that I could make a difference. I reminded myself, for the hundredth time, that I cannot change anything that does not want to be changed. Those kids are happy with their status in life, and who am I to tell them that they should learn from me? In all honesty, what the hell do I know?

I do know, however, that I have never been good at something I didn’t like doing. I also know that I can choose a slightly riskier alternative – I can slough off financial security and look for something better. And for anyone who can go into that school and come out unscathed, I salute you. You are far better suited than I was. But that school is just not for me. And when your bad days outnumber your good, you know it’s time for a change.

I am glad for the experience, though. Lord knows, I have to torture myself with something really really bad before I allow myself to enjoy something really really good, i.e. from swimming to theatre, from Business to Film, from the pre-prod job to casting, etc. It really showed me that I did, in fact, come to Vietnam to teach, not only vocabulary and pronunciation, but how to use the language as a way of connecting with a human being. Other schools that I taught at replenished what I was losing with AHS - my curiosity for wanting to learn about others and communicate on a deeper level (when you throw a pen at a kid across the room just to get him to shut up, you probably are not going to be as willing to learn from him either).

It is not just the ability to use English words, but the capacity to understand another person’s culture and develop a different way of looking at the world that I want to strive to teach. Only through understanding how other humans attempt to connect with their world can you ever learn anything about yourself. And the only way I’ve ever managed to learn anything was through learning about why other people were not like me. You know, that and being miserable before I can let go enough to be happy.

I write so friggin’ much because y’all, my friends, are going to have to remind me of all this in a few days when I start panicking about rent.